It's been a looooong time!

Hey everyone, it's been a very long time since I've updated anything on my blog. My life's been a crazy roller coaster since my last update, I don't even know where to start. In my last blog entry I told you about my brother's new girlfriend Cassie and her baby Leah, so I'll start there. After Matt and Cassie dating for about 2 or 3 weeks they were engaged. (I know it's crazy) Cassie moved into our house and they got married. While Cassie was living in our house she disrespected, used, and talked about us. We could only take so much before my mom kicked them out. (yes both Matt and Cassie) Matt had changed so much since he got with Cassie. He wasn't the same, he was mean, distant, and didn't care about us anymore. About 2 weeks ago Cassie informed my brother that she hasn't yet cheated on him but that she likes another guy and want's to date him. The girl's not even divorced yet and she's already got a new boyfriend! The good thing is I've finally got my brother back. He's back to his old self-where he actually cares about his family too.

Here's where my heartache is coming from though; My dad walked out. Over Easter weekend he told my mom that he was going to go look at hunting ground, he said he'd leave very early in the morning and be home later that same night. Upon him leaving that morning he woke my mom up, kissed her, said "I love you" and then left. Around noon my mom tried calling him to see if he was heading home yet or not, he didn't answer. Minutes turned into hours, hours into days-we had still heard nothing from my dad. I guess it's save to say that we were worried, we didn't know what had happened. Obviously he hadn't gotten into a car wreck or else the police would have notified us, but not knowing was killing us. Finally on Easter day my dad texted me all it said was "I'm fine." Yup, that's all I got. I called him and this is what he said -"I'm leaving your mother but not you". Who in they're right mind would say that to they're 16 year old daughter and make her be the bare of bad news? He showed up around 8 or 9 that night, got his things and then left. Little did I know then that my life would be completely flipped upside down. At the beginning everything was good, he signed a notarized statement saying that he would pay us 300 and 60 sum dollars every week for bills and food.  He was our source of income since my mom has fibromyalgia, arthritis, and many other things that makes it where she cannot physically work. I think he maybe paid us that money one time. After that he started leaving less and less money in the bank account-$30,$12,$7. Do you see the problem there? He had absolutely no bills to pay, whereas my mom had to pay all the bills and raise me.Eventually he just stopped talking to us all together, he went invisible. His mom and sister claimed they don't know where he went but that he moved away. He shut his phone off and blocked me, my mom, brother, and any close friends from his facebook. After almost 2 months of having no dad, no income, no vehicle, and no life; we found him. My brother Matt had become friends on facebook with a lady name Dearlene and her profile picture was her and my father kissing. As I'm sure you could imagine this came as a shock to me and my mom both. I messaged her and started asking her questions, she answered them. Apparently my dad had moved in with her about 2 hours away and told her that he doesn't talk to his kids because we "hate" him. Finally after much begging my dad called me. He told me that he had been cheating on my mom before he ever left with this lady. He was very mean to me over the phone. He also told me that the week before he was here in town picking up my brother to come stay with him. It's heartbreaking to know that it didn't even occur to him that his daughter may want to see him, he didn't even try. Now me and my mom are living day to day and trying to make the most of our new life's. It's hard when we don't even have a car to be able to go to the grocery store. It's hard when I don't have a father anymore.

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; Trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on." -Tupac.

New Additions To Our Small Family ?

 Hey guy's, sorry it's been awhile since the last time I've posted. I've been a little busy and extremely tired. I'm going to try to keep you guy's updated as much as possible tho!

So My 18 year old brother Matt has a new girlfriend. His girlfriend's name is Cassie and she's also 18. Cassie has a 4 month old daughter named Leah, may I remind you she already had Leah before her and my brother started dating. Cassie and Leah come and stay all the time. Leah is such an adorable baby girl, me and my family all love her. Having a 4 month old baby in the house has made me realize how hard it is to raise a baby, at any age. I don't know how people do it. I love children but babies are hard to take care of. Being a mommy is a full time job. Me, my mom, my dad, Matt, and me have all gotten attached to Leah. My only fear is if Matt and Cassie break up it's bye bye baby. I know I would miss Leah a lot if they split and I wouldn't get to see her anymore. I surly hope that Matt and Cassie last but then again they're both young and anything can  happen. Sometimes relationships are meant to be broken, I just pray that this one isn't. I now feel as if Cassie and Leah are a part of our family. I'm going to attach a  few photo's of Leah that has been taken . (:

Did I Make The Right Choice ?

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while I've just been a little busy with life. I have a new issue at hand. Half way threw last year's school year I started doing homeschooling because I was missing a lot of school being sick due to my PCOS. Since I was missing a lot of school it caused my grades to start slipping so homeschooling was a good option for me. While doing my homeschooling my grades were improving and it was nice not having to worry about the days of school I missed. Even when I wasn't feeling well I could still do my school work and in the comfort of my own home too! The only downfall of homeschooling was my social life. All of my friends had told me they wouldn't forget about me and they'd still always be there, wasn't that a lie. I lost way over half of my friends and I was feeling extremely lonely. I couldn't help feeling like I was missing out on my "teenage years" with school dances and other school functions. I also felt really out of the loop with my friends. After a ton of begging and pleading with my mom we'd finally come to the agreement to let me go back to regular school as long as I agreed I wouldn't switch anymore. My mom kept telling me that I'd regret this decision, although at the time it was all I wanted. I was so excited to start school back with all my friends and they seemed pretty stoked that I was coming back too. This school year started out okay and I didn't seem to be missing that much school. Now we're in our 2nd 9 weeks of school and I've already missed 13 days of school. My teachers always make comments about me being absent but one thing they don't understand is that I don't choose to be sick. Trust me, if I could be healthy and stay healthy I sure would, no body enjoys being sick. Because of all my absences my grades have gone right back down the drain. I do plan on furthering my education after high school and majoring in some sort of journalism and communications so my grades are fairly important. I also wish I could say that I'm enthusiastic about school and my classes but I regret to inform you that I'm not. I thought that with me going back to school I would gain my friends back and be back into the loop. I've now come to the realization that it's not that easy. I lost some friends that I will never gain back. I also have now realized that some of the people I was friends with is not people I want to associate myself with. It seems like all of these people i once considered my friends have changed and that's not necessarily for the best. I still feel just as out of the loop as I did last school year in my own home. Another issue is that while I'm at school I seem to get really depressed. I feel as though I can't concentrate on my school work when all I want to do is sleep. Our school has a brand new building this year and has really gotten strict with it's rules. The teachers hand out detentions like they're suckers, it's a tad bit absurd. I feel like I'm always getting in trouble for things that I don't do or I'm constantly getting accused of things. For all of these reasons that I've just stated I feel as though I made a terrible decision going back to regular school. Homeschooling has its ups and downs but I now feel like it was the right decision for me. I wish that I could have seen then what I see now. I sat down with my mom and had a conversation about my feelings on school and she agrees with me, therefore she's given me a choice. I now have the option (as long as my counsler Sue agrees) to leave regular school once again and go back the homeschooling. If I do choose to do homeschooling again it will be my final decision in my schooling. I will eathier stay with homeschooling till I graduate or stay in regular school. I know that homeschooling has it's own challenges upon its self, but it will help me boost my grades. Where I am getting sick at least once every two weeks I feel that this would be the best decision. Then again I also have to think of the downfalls, what if I start feeling lonely again? What if I loose the few friends I've started to gain back? I have a tough decision ahead of me that will acquire hours upon hours of thought. Hopefully in two weeks when I talk to Sue she'll help make my decision clear. If any of you have any thoughts or you have an opinion on my dilemma please feel free to post a comment. I could really use all the advice I can get right now. Thanks guys, for listening to me rant. (:

Blahh, Good Day ?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to keep you guy's updated. I had a really good day today. School wasn't the best but then again it never is. After I got home my best friend (the only close friend I have anymore) Kim came over. I love hanging out with her because we always have a good time and have fun. She re dyed my hair for me because the black in it was starting to fade. It was a lot of fun. I don't really have a lot to say today, because I'm sort of tired. But I promise tomorrow I'll post something else (: Thanks for checking in.

I Love My Best Friend :D

A Change For The Better

"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on, you fight to let go." - Daniel Stren

Me and my mom were having a conversation today about my attitude lately. I was diagnosed with depression October of last year and I've been struggling with it since. My depression would make me have horrible mood swings and I'd flip out on my parents for no reason. My life was like a tornado. I started seeing a counselor about 6 weeks ago and she's really helped me with my anger and depression. She's helped me realize that I can't move on with my life and be happy without actually WANTING it. I've realized that happiness isn't going to just fall in front of me like a leaf off a tree; it's something I'm going to have to work on for a long time. The past 2 or 3 weeks I've really been trying to change myself, I want to be happy. Today my mom told me how proud of me she is because she can see the change within me. She now doesn't have to fight with me to get me to do things, I just do them.You don't understand how happy that makes me. See guys, me and my mom used to have a great relationship until I was diagnosed with depression, that's when it all started going down hill. I wasn't the same Courtney I used to be and I distanced myself from not only my mom but all of my family and the majority of my friends. I feel as though me and my mom have lost the connection we used to have, and that makes my heart sink. I miss being close to her and I think that's one of the things that's made me really want to work on myself. I can feel a change within me, something inside of me has clicked. I'm sick of sitting around moping about how horrible my life is instead of taking the initiative to better it. I want to go back to "normal Courtney". I want me and my mom to become close again, because I really love her and miss her so much. This talk with my mom today has really helped me open my eyes. Yes, I have changed some but I haven't changed enough. Sometimes Change is for the better, and this time it really is.

Me and my mama. I love her so much, she's been there for me threw thick and thin. <3

Eating Disorders

Hey everyone, I was looking up some teen issues and eating disorders seem to be one of the most common problems. Did you know that 1 or 2 out of every 100 teens struggle with an eating disorder or a weight problem. Most of the common reasons that teens have eating disorders is because they feel they have to live up to society. Today all of the actresses and models are stick skinny and if girls don't look like a perfect model they feel overweight. I think that another reason girls feel they need to have perfect bodies is also because of male peer pressure. Guy's are very cruel to girls who are even a little bit overweight, they make fun of them and put them down. One thing that I don't get is even girls who are already skinny think they should be skinner. I think that teenage girls need more encouragement to stay healthy. If these girls want to loose weight there's plenty of exercise programs that are made especially for teens. There's also the option of just eating healthier, switching out a junk food for fresh fruit. I personally haven't known anybody with an eating disorder but it's a very serious disease. I think that if you know anybody who is trying to hide the fact that they have an eating disorder you need to try to help them. No girl should ever feel like they're not good enough or pretty enough. Your body is your temple and weather you like your body or not, your going to have it the rest of your life.

It's Frrrriiidayy !! (:

 "It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday. Everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend! Partying, partying, yeah! Partying, partying, yeah! Fun, fun, fun! Everybody's looking forward to the weekend." - Friday By: Rebecca Black

Finally, this long week is over! I'm so excited for this weekend, tonight I have some of my friends staying the night. It's really good after a week at school to just be able to hang out with my friends and have nothing to worry about. This week has been just a little crazy, and of course there was more DRAMA! There is now rumors of a girl at my school having an STD, now I don't know if this is true or not. Something I don't understand about my school is how quickly somebody will throw they're "friends" under the bus. The rumor of this girl at my school all started because her ex boyfriend got mad at her and decided to tell everybody that she has gonorrhea. Vicious rumors are so easy to start and weather it's true or not it is nobody's place to talk about it. Yeah sure they might find it fun to talk and joke around about now but what they don't understand is how serious having an STD can be. According to USA Today every 1 in 4 teen girls has an STD. CLICK HERE TO READ THE ARTICLE! That is the link to the source I got this information from. Having an STD is nothing to joke about guys, it's serious stuff and can sometimes be deadly. One thing I don't understand is these girls are just that GIRLS, they aren't even women yet and they're out having sex and getting diseases from it? It's completely and totally mind boggling. These teenage girls really don't understand what they're getting themselves into having sex; they're risking pregnancy, their future, and possibly even their life. I know that sex is a natural thing and that it's going to happen, I just think these girls need to think before they act and make sure they're not going to regret this decision in the future. Now, I know I'm not perfect and everybody makes mistakes, I'm not insinuating that I am somehow above these girls in any possible way. All that I'm saying is I just cannot believe how these girls can have such low self esteem to go around and have sex with anyone. I believe that sex is special, something that you should remember for the rest of your life. I don't know, that's just how I view this subject. Have a good Friday everybody, I know I will! (: